Disappointments and Decisions
Time for a personal update. I feel like sharing right now because I’m feeling pretty alone. I think writing about things might help me feel better. When I found myself single and alone again at the end of March, I felt sad of course but also had a lot to look forward to – figuring out how to RV solo was a fun challenge. Crossing the country from California to Michigan by myself to go to 2 friends weddings was my goal. I was also very much looking forward to spending a month with my family resting and recuperating and reconnecting with them. I did those things, and they were good.
Then my plan had always been to go from family time in Michigan back to Denver and spend a couple of months in Denver. Part of the reason I wanted to go to Denver and spend time there was to build relationships. I have a couple of friends in Denver, and I also feel like Denver is the type of city/culture where I could meet someone – like a romantic interest. Lots of people with shared interests.
And wouldn’t you know it, I met a person who lives in Denver who I was excited about getting to know better. My journey back to that area went from being a decent plan to an EXTREMELY exciting possibility. Unfortunately, due to a complication of circumstances and bad luck, about a week before my arrival to Colorado, I found out it wasn’t going to happen. All plans cancelled and I’m back to square one.
Now, I am not heartbroken, I can’t possibly be, because to be honest I didn’t know this person very well. I know we had chemistry, and I know we had a lot of great things in common, but I definitely didn’t know enough to justify the amount of disappointment that I feel. I am pretty shocked by how sad I find myself at this turn of events. I knew that I had gotten my hopes up when I shouldn’t have, but my goodness! It has been a very rough week.
The problem is that that the idea I had in my head is gone. I had fantasies about things working out, me having a partner again, the thrill of getting to know someone new and interesting again. Remembering what it feels like to have someone to hug and hold on to. And then having that fantasy taken away in one fell swoop really stung. Who knows if it would have worked out. But the opportunity is gone. And it made me feel about 1000 times more alone than I did before.
I’ve been doing some reflecting on the fact that I got so emotional about this issue. And I’ve come to a couple of realizations. As much as I love to travel, I don’t think its particularly conducive to meeting someone. And at this point in my life, I am interested in meeting someone. I have to accept that fact about myself and embrace it rather than fight against it. I don’t mind being alone, I just would prefer to have a partner. Unfortunately you can’t just decide to meet someone and make it happen, life doesn’t work that way. You can only do what you can to put yourself in the right path and try to get out there and hope for the best.
My plan post-Denver had been to go to Utah, then the south west to Arizona and California for the winter. But now in my mind, the thought of sitting in an RV by myself in California, regardless of how beautiful the weather may be, does not excite me. Yes, I do have RVing friends (hi friends!!) but at the end of the day, I’m sleeping alone, and I’m waking up alone, and I’m tired of doing that. Why would I want to be isolated when I could be connected? Wouldn’t it make more sense to stay put for a little while and try to make more connections? I know the argument against this is that if I like traveling, and I continue to travel, maybe I am more likely to meet another person who likes traveling too. Fair enough, but I have many more interests than just traveling. And I have many different ways I can conceive of living my life that do and do not involve traveling full time. The point is, I feel like moving around all the time is going to limit my options at a time when I really don’t want to be limiting my options. It just doesn’t feel right to keep wandering. I feel aimless and directionless.
I’m here now, in Colorado. I’m pretty seriously considering storing the RV for the winter, renting an apartment, and staying here for a while. I have reservations at a campground until August 13th, so I might shoot for September 1. I have not committed 100% to this in my mind, because I know I am still kind of in a state of emotional distress, and I want to really think it through. One good part of this plan is that if I change my mind and want to leave again, I can. I am not selling the RV. I just think I want to stop for a while and see how it feels to try to make some connections.
I will want to be closer to the mountains and further away from Denver, but still within an hour of the city. It is still very important to me to be outdoors as much as possible and close to the wilderness. That has brought an incredible amount of joy to my life and I don’t want to lose that if I’m living in or closer to a city. At the same time, I want to be close to PEOPLE. I need to have options and opportunities. I need to put in some effort to finding a connection that is important to me.
So that’s my only somewhat pathetic story. Life can be disappointing and confusing and it can be hard to roll with the punches. But you have to keep moving forward and make the best decisions you can with the situations that are presented to you. I am in the process of trying to figure out how to do that.
Thanks for reading. Comments are appreciated here if anyone has advice or can relate! 🙂